Monday, February 13, 2012


The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion. ~Albert Camus

I'm not free. Nope. Not free.

No, I'm not talking about America and the general freedoms we enjoy. I am thankful for those everyday.

But I mean, like free. Example: When I was a smoker, cigarettes controlled me. I was not free because I could not live (happily, at least) without my cigarettes.

But since I am not a smoker anymore, I'm obviously not talking about addiction.

But there are things in life that I allow to control me and I wish so hard that I didn't let them.

Things like sugar and approval from others.

I wish so bad for a life where I could put sugar down and never turn back and just be free. Free from being overweight and unhealthy. I quit smoking cold turkey, telling myself it would be easy when I was ready. And it was easy, because I was ready. I don't know that I could ever truly be ready to quit sugar and never turn back. So I keep putting it off, because it will be the absolute hardest thing I ever do and I will have to continue to think about it for a very long time... like, the rest of my life. I'm not a moderation girl. It's all or nothing.

But approval from others? Geez, that's ingrained pretty deep. It's one of the first things we learn. It feels good to make other people happy. Living in a world where we constantly irritate others or disgust them or create controversy would not be a happy place. Everybody just wants things to flow smoothly without sticking out like a sore thumb. Blend in, be just like the others. Not drawing attention to ourselves.

There's times in my life where I want to be completely free from that. Like, I would love nothing more than to shave my head. I hate my hair sometimes. It went through a lot of changes during pregnancies. I insist on keeping it long but I wear it up so it's not in my face. Why do I do that? Just shave that mess off, already!

It makes sense to me. It would be shocking to other people, because there are gender traits that let others know what gender you are, longer hair in girls and short hair in boys. But a girl with no hair??? She's bound to be weird or have cancer. And I mean no disrespect to those with cancer.. But when a girl shaves her head just because she wanted to, people just probably wouldn't understand why. If it's because of cancer, their eyes soften and they have nothing to say. Perhaps they'll stare. Maybe not even look at all.

I'm not going to shave my head. Maybe I'll cut it short. Dye it some funky color.

I've got some pretty wild ideas about how life should be. About parenting, relationships, healthy living. I usually leave people confused or bewildered.

I wish I could just be ready to let go of what others may think and move forward with a life that makes me truly happy.

One day.

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