Wednesday, January 20, 2016

She's gone.

     Sometimes I think about it. Really think about it. Right here. Right now. My mother is dead. The thought sucks the air out of my lungs. It chokes in my throat. She's gone.

     I can't call her. She doesn't answer when I do. When I call her, I have a nervousness in my stomach. What if she answered? What if somebody else answered? What if the phone company gave her number to someone else. They could take it away from me- they could give her number to a stranger who would have no idea what that number was to me. A hotline to heaven.

    God, mama, please answer the phone.

     I ride past her apartment. Her car is not there. It's in my front yard with a FOR SALE sign in the windshield. Someone else is parked in her spot. Another family occupies the place that holds the last memories I have of my mother. Saturday visits, new recipes we cooked together, a place for my children to spend the night. The last walk through I did of her apartment before we packed all of her things in a U-Haul. Everything just as she had left it. Except it wasn't. It was cold.

     Now when I go visit my mama I sit on the ground- uneven because the grass hasn't grown back yet. I lean my head on her stone engraved with lyrics from her favorite hymn. Beulah Land. She's in her Beulah Land. She's left me behind.

   I don't visit her grave as much as I like. It is cold and empty there. I don't feel her there. I feel her on my first day back to college, holding my hand as I walk to my first class. Telling me to breathe deep, it's ok, I can do this. I hear her in my children's laughter and smell her from time to time. She wore the same perfume for years. I smell it and it stops me in my tracks.

   I smell her and she's here again.

23 comments:

  1. That was beautiful and hits home!

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    1. Lauren that was so beautiful. I wrote to my Mother in a journal dor Months after she paased away. It helped. Your Mom is with you and your kids. That is why the grave site os empty and cold. Your Mom isn't there Sweetheart. Ot does get easier with tome. Time heals all wounds. God Bless!

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  2. That was beautiful and hits home!

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  3. This is beautiful. I too lost my mother. I lost her suddenly - cardiac arrest. It is painful. I'm not gonna tell you it gets easier ... I don't think it ever does. Just know that she is now your angel.

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  4. This is beautiful. I too lost my mother. I lost her suddenly - cardiac arrest. It is painful. I'm not gonna tell you it gets easier ... I don't think it ever does. Just know that she is now your angel.

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  5. Very beautiful. :hugs: I sometimes smell my mom around me. She wore a perfume from Victoria Secret, Dream Angel I believe. Even if I cant remember the exact name, I will never forget her smell. And I too, know shes there.

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  6. I sympathize with you its been 1 yr & 1 month (12/21/14) since my mom passed and I wrote her a letter on the 1 yr anniversary of her death it's just so hard cuz nothing will ever be the same..... Praying for ur healing & mine!!!

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  7. I sympathize with you its been 1 yr & 1 month (12/21/14) since my mom passed and I wrote her a letter on the 1 yr anniversary of her death it's just so hard cuz nothing will ever be the same..... Praying for ur healing & mine!!!

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    1. I too lost my dearest mother 7 months ago now. I am completely lost without her. She was everything thing to me, i would call her one time she would the next. Chat about anything thas impirtsnt. The pain n the hursg is still there. Since she is gobe she is left my life a complete shambles. My dear fellow mourners I understand ur over bearing pain. Praying for comfort n strength to get through life without the joy of my life.

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  8. I feel your pain. I did send my Mama a "Happy Birthday" text. She had been gone for only 3 months. I got a reply! Yes, they already gave her number to someone else. She was nice enough to understand and pray with me! Today, my Mama's been gone for exactly 8 months. :-(

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  9. I'm so sorry Lauren. I cried. I can't imagine losing mine. Praying for you ♡

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  10. I'm so sorry Lauren. I cried. I can't imagine losing mine. Praying for you ♡

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  11. I can relate...I lost my mom,my best friend, the center of our entire family July 9 2015...it hurts,bad. I wish I had the words to say to make others feel better and get through but I dont. I'm so sorry for your loss

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  12. I can relate...I lost my mom,my best friend, the center of our entire family July 9 2015...it hurts,bad. I wish I had the words to say to make others feel better and get through but I dont. I'm so sorry for your loss

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  13. Lauren, this is a beautiful and heart wrenching piece of writing. I felt it. My mom passed away 11 years ago and I still miss her. We don't get over it, but I've found that it's a continuous cycle (the shock, the grief, and the acceptance) and I've learned to get used to it.

    My mom used to wear Chapstick and every time I put mine on, I'm brought back to her through the scent. I love those moments, they remind me that she'll never be forgotten.

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  14. Lauren....I cried as I read this.....my mom passed away very suddenly almost 6 years ago and along with the shock of losing her so suddenly came a lot of guilt.....all of the "what ifs"...there isn't a day that I don't think of her and relive all of our special times together. I not only lost my mom but my best friend as well......

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  15. Such a touching piece. I'm so sorry you've lost your sweet mother. Mine passed December 12, the same day my oldest graduated from college. I needed to celebrate my baby's great accomplishment while barely being able to breathe I was in such pain. I don't think it will ever pass. My Daddy died a year and a half ago and now I'm an adult orphan. No one loves you like your mother. Thank you for sharing your heart in your writing.

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  16. Thankyou everyone for your kind words and sharing your own experiences with me. I look forward to better days for us all.

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  17. Beautiful. My mom was 57 when she passed 16 years ago. It was unexpected from a brain aneurysm. My daughter was 3 and my son was 8 weeks and had severe colic. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I take flowered to the grave on her body and mothers day. I chose her casket, outfit, tombstone, and I orchestrated her entire funeral. You learn to go on, but there still are times that a memory arises from out of the blue, and a tear rolls down my cheek. Hugs and prayers to you. Our cried is testimony of the love we shared for our moms.

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  18. Beautiful. My mom was 57 when she passed 16 years ago. It was unexpected from a brain aneurysm. My daughter was 3 and my son was 8 weeks and had severe colic. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I take flowered to the grave on her body and mothers day. I chose her casket, outfit, tombstone, and I orchestrated her entire funeral. You learn to go on, but there still are times that a memory arises from out of the blue, and a tear rolls down my cheek. Hugs and prayers to you. Our cried is testimony of the love we shared for our moms.

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  19. She left last Oct... She's with her Joe my father... That is somewhat a comfort. But I need to talk to her so very bad.

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  20. She left last Oct... She's with her Joe my father... That is somewhat a comfort. But I need to talk to her so very bad.

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