Making the Life I Want

*yawn.

I was up at 4:00 this morning. I woke up because I had to pee, and because I am my mother's child, I couldn't go back to sleep. Happens a few times a month. Hubs acts like I've committed a crime each time, bless it.

It's late. I have my chamomile tea brewing. The boys are jumping on their beds  in bed for the night and I am finally sitting down for some "me" time. And I need to dump it all out.

I have spent the last 2 days cleaning and organizing my house. I don't generally keep a dirty house, but you would find dishes in the sink waiting their turn for the dishwasher, and laundry waiting to be folded, and suffer a violent death by stepping on a skylander in the hallway. True story.

I spend a great deal of time worrying and stressing over this situation. I could work hard and get ahead and find myself treading water for a few days, only to end up drowning again. The student/teacher/wifey/parent life is hard time.

My mama always kept a clean house. She always made sure I did my chores. She did everything she could to encourage those habits but in the end my self won out and I am just not a type A cleaner, organizer, list writer, get shit done-er. But I'll be damned if I am not about to become one.

I've never stuck with things for long. I can barely believe I am still in college. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be a solid person, instead of the shell of a person, imposter that I feel like most of the time?

I have decided it is because I focus too much on what I don't want to be. I am always saying how I dont want a messy house. I don't want to do dishes, I don't want to fold laundry. I don't want to be a flake. I don't want to waste my kids childhoods away in front of my phone. I don't want to carry these extra pounds. I don't want a job that makes me unhappy.  And there are too many negatives, too many "don't"s in this type of talk. And I am through with it.

Instead, I am going to manifest a fabulous life. I am going to work hard this week to get my house set up, and get a system in place so that my house flows and operates like a well oiled machine. I am going to be that crazy bitch that gets up early at 6 am with nowhere to be, just to drink her coffee in peace and unload the dishwasher before the kids zombie walk out asking for cereal.

A kid literally just came out of his room to tell me he needs the living room light off. 

Ok, it was Wesley, enough with the heir of mystery.

I am going to have a clean house. I am not going to create more work for myself by procrastinating. My kids deserve a well maintained house. They deserve a mother that does not roll out of bed at 8:45 am and have to catch up on last nights dishes to even start the day. (hush, they don't get up until 9:30)

I have a cleaning schedule printed out, framed, and hung by my back door. Every single nook and cranny of my house is cleaned and organized and everything has a place. I will keep up my routine because it will make everything easier and I know this. I know this!! I will start this homeschool year out organized and determined to stay on track. I will pick up my college classes late August and do my work and homeschool with ease. I am on a facebook hiatus, but if you do not see or hear from me on any social media what so ever by September, please send help. I may be in the fetal position on the floor of my bathroom muttering something about the permanent marker on the living room wall. 

I am going to manifest the life I want, and forget about the rest.
Wish me luck!

Moving on.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You

can steer yourself any direction you choose.” — Dr. Seuss

I can feel it in my gut. I've felt it for a long time. Our time in this house, this town even- is expiring.

I love big life changes. New job, new house, new interests... it's exciting.

I moved around a lot when I was growing up. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother remarried several times and almost every time she remarried or dated someone we moved and I had to start a life all over again. New school, new friends, new family dynamic. It's the truth- the way it was. I did not grow up in the same house my whole childhood and I don't have lifelong friends. People kind of come and go in my life and it's just something I am used to. I don't live near my family, but we visit often and work to nurture those relationships.

I often wonder if I had grown up in one house, would I be different. Would I not feel the need to move on.... If I had roots, would I - could I stay?

I certainly feel the voids. I wish I had people I could call on when I needed help. A sick child to help with, to send a meal when times are tough, to watch the boys while I run to the store. I wish I had a sense of community, surrounded by like minded souls.

I've been in this town for 10 years. Wow.

10 years.

This is not the town for me, or my family... I long to be somewhere else. Out of state. The world is full of places far more interesting than this. Life is too short to stay in one place.

Soon.