Monday, February 6, 2017

Where I want to keep her

     It is incredibly difficult to be a mother without a mother. I am eternally grateful that I had my mother for as long as I did and that she knew all of my children. But she's missing out on so much, and I am missing out on her. If ever there were such a thing as a person that just knew your soul inside and out, it's your mother. At least, it was my mother, anyways. She was my best and usually only true friend. It's just so empty now that she's gone. I can feel the pain vibrating in my chest.

     There's so much that I want to tell her and ask her questions about. She would think Wesley is hilarious. He was only 2 when she passed away. He asks me almost every day if Bae died because she got sick. I typically skirt past it with a "yes, baby" but last week he got sick, and a dark cloud of worry overtook him that I could feel in that place of my chest that vibrates.

     I don't know how to do this teenager thing. It's hard. As hard as they say it is. I know I am not doing it right. But she would have supported me anyways. Dylan hasn't been sick at all since she passed. There was that one time that I thought he might be. It was headaches that went away as soon as we got checked into a room at Batson. She would make jokes at me everytime I thought Dylan could be sick for the rest of forever, and we would laugh.

     She would be in Madison with her mother and sisters every weekend that she could get away. A part of me hurts for her that she is missing this, and a part of me is relieved. And a part of me wonders if Gran would still be Gran, if my mama hadn't left us so soon. Everything could have stayed the same. We'd be cooking and visiting and making a bunch of racket at Gran's house every chance we could.

     I don't stay in a place of grief. It comes in waves, and further and further apart as time passes. My thoughts of her have shifted as well. It happened around Christmas. I can no longer imagine her or reflect for very long on our relationship as adults, which was strained at times. I see her in my head as my mother I had growing up. And it's yellow and warm and smells like honesuckle. That's where I want to keep her.

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