eh.

I think it's obvious that I haven't been sharing here as much lately. That's sort of just how I am. It ebbs and flows, comes and goes. I may have a million things to talk and share about, but it never seems to come out the way I intend.

I've been trying to keep busy the past few days. I've been restless. Every now and then I get that way. Tired of staying at home with the kids, wanting to do more with my life, but not wanting to sacrifice my ability to be here for my children for self-serving reasons. I worked once. I had a job at a department store for a little over a year. I quit working there when Dylan got sick, so I could stay home and take care of him.. my role as a mother changed alot after that. I was no longer just here to watch over them and steer them in the right direction, I was also googling the mess out of everything, trying to find ways to get my boy better and how to prevent it from happening again. That's when my approach to a more non-toxic, natural lifestyle came about. I am thankful that things went the way they did in that respect, but sometimes I wish I had someplace to be everyday, even though I know that deep down in my heart, the only place I wanna be is here.

It makes my heart sink down into my stomach to think of putting Jude in daycare and the older boys in an afterschool program so that I can go to work.

"I've seen the village, and I don't want it raising my kids." - some awesome quote I read on Pinterest.

Staying home can be lonely, though. I am an introvert. I balk at the thought of leaving the house for no good reason, and sometimes for good reasons. I feel much better going out when I'm not by myself. I can find myself having spent 3-4 days straight not leaving the house.. I don't like the way I feel when that happens.

By keeping myself busy, I have been tending to things when they need tending to. Washing the dishes when the sink is full or after cooking, doing laundry when a load forms, cleaning the bathroom every day, vaccuming, sweeping, playing outside... all the things that I might put off for later and then my housework load is so heavy that I'm drowning in it. I'm not the greatest house keeper. It's a struggle for me to keep things clean the way other so effortlessly do. It's something I am constantly reminding myself of. Turns out, when I do this... I'm actually tired at night. Ready to go to bed at a decent time!

It's exhausting though. To go from dishes to folding laundry to cleaning up a spill to averting the next crisis that Jude develops to making lunch... I might never sit down. I might never turn on the Weather Channel. I know there is a balance, but balance isn't my strong suit.

This weekend I am going to my grandmother's house to celebrate my mom's birthday!!! and to my cousins baby shower. I am not taking my children!

I'll probably come back completely recharged. A weekend of adult conversations!!

So, who knows. Maybe the blog will get interesting again?

Let's hope so.